A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a
sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she
was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to
flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman came up to her and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed
of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being indecent, while both
hands hold your hat.
Everybody is taking a good look at what you've got. Don't you
think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about
your hat?"
"Look, sonny," the old lady replied, "What these people are looking
at is 85 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant
and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously
masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry
hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant
going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME,
FIRST SERVED!"
Seorang istri yang kebetulan adalah wanita bisu disuruh suaminya untuk
membeli bahan belanjaan ke pasar.
Ketika di pasar, si istri ingin membeli paha ayam tapi ia agak kebingungan
bagaimana caranya memberitahu si pedagang.
Untung dia ada ide...wanita itu tanpa malu-malu menunjukkan pahanya
ke arah si pedagang.
Oh...mau beli paha ayamm..si pedagang ternyata mengerti maksudnya.
Kemudian si istri ingin membeli dada ayam pula. Bagaimana ya ?
Ah gampang kayak tadi aja...terus ia menunjukkan dadanya ke arah si
pedagang...
Oh ,...mau beli dada ayam...si pedagang sekali lagi mengerti maksudnya.
Tiba-tiba si istri teringat hendak membeli sosis.
Waduh.. bagaimana nih caranya...kalo paha ayam sih tinggal tunjuk paha..kalo
dada ayam sih tinggal tunjuk dada...lah kalau sosis ? Mana bisa lha yauw...
Si istri kemudian mendapat
ide cemerlang, ya udah...panggil suami saya aja ke sini. Si suami segera diajak ke pasar dan dibawa ke depan pedagang.
Tahu nggak bagaimana caranya supaya si pedagang mengerti apa yang mau ia
beli ?
Tahu kagak loe ........
Mikir dong...
Toilet Malaysia
One day, one Matsalleh from USA arrived in Subang Airport, after he
checked out from the custom, he felt like going to the toilet, so he went
looking for the toilet, when he found the toilet, there is an old lady
sitting in front of the toilet.
When he is about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him and
said forty cents in Cantonese ( "SAY KOK" ), the Matsalleh just wonder
why in Malaysia had to see cock ( forty cents in Cantonese) before entering
the toilet?
He said:" NO ", but the old lady insist, so he had no choice but to
take out his cock and showed the old lady.
The old lady said:" no, no, no, duit, duit (money in Malay ) ",
but the Matsalleh misunderstood again because he thought she
said: "DO IT, DO IT".
So he asked:" HOW, HERE? ".
The old lady just replied:"YES, YES" because she doesn't understand
English.
The Matsalleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he stripped
the old lady and made love to her, but the old lady
kept screaming and said:" SAKIT, SAKIT " ( Painful in Malay ).
Again he thinks it is " suck it, suck it ",
so he said:" OK, I'll suck for you ", and took her breast and sucked.
The old lady again said:" YA ALLAH, TUHAN. " ( Oh, my God! ... in Malay)
" Too hard, OK sweet heart, I'll be gentle a bit, OK? " the Matsellah
said.
Suddenly the security guard walked by, and the old lady yelled for
help," TOLONG, TOLONG, ENCIK. " ( Help, Help... in Malay ).
"Not too long, just about 6 inches only" the Matsalleh replied.
Charity
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
The Two Priests
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK
of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party.
We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town
and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see
our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay
in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress
just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night
and partied like professionals.
When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale.
"I just thought of something," he said.
"We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all
out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional.
I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then
I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve
you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later
that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned.
My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and
caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul
language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be.
Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your
sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed
everything in detail.
There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this.
And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's,"
500 "Hail Mary's,"donate all your money for the next month to the church,
and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness.
Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take
my job seriously."
